Muslimah

This book could not have been written without the encouragement of those around me. I would like to thank Zainab bint Younus who blogs at The Salafi Feminist for reading and reviewing a manuscript of this book. I would also like to thank Nabeel Azeez who blogs at Becoming the Alpha Muslim for his help in marketing this book.

There are several other people whose help was invaluable but would prefer to stay anonymous. They have my heartfelt thanks and appreciation.

I’ll take you down this delightful rabbit hole of pleasure. Let me warn you, this is not for the faint of heart. I’m going to talk about things that you would never bring up in conversation. I will teach you how to make your husband look at you with unbridled lust. You will find your husband transformed into a man who can’t keep his hands off of you and brims with jealousy when other men so much as glance at you.

If you’re unprepared for that, put this book away.

If not, let’s begin.

Two years ago, I was congratulating a young Muslimah on her engagement. She had grown up in my community and I had known her since before she could talk. I had seen her blossom from a waddling toddler into a confident and intelligent young woman. She began looking for a husband in her last year of college, wanting to get married before starting medical school. After multiple dead-ends, she had finally found a man who met all her criteria for marriage. Everything about this guy was perfect. He was religious, good looking, volunteered at the masjid, had a stable job, was known for his kindness to youngsters at the masjid, and was loved by the elders like he was their own nephew. It was a perfect match. She was thrilled about starting married life and you could see the happiness emanating from her as everyone gave her their best wishes.

A few months later, I ran into her at a dinner party and asked how marriage life was suiting her. She simply said it was “Fine”, but I could tell something was wrong.

After some cajoling, she shamefully admitted the truth. Her sex life was horrible. In fact, it was fast becoming non-existent. She had been a model Muslimah her entire life. Before marriage, she had never so much as held a non-mahram’s hand, let alone become physically intimate with one. She had eagerly looked forward to marriage as a chance to finally indulge in all the physical intimacy she had postponed for the sake of Allah.

But it wasn’t working.

Coming from the medical field, she knew all the relevant biology. She could draw and label all the parts of male and female anatomy. She had taken fiqh classes and knew the legal rulings of menstruation and intercourse.

But she didn’t know sex.

Oh, she knew the mechanics. Insert penis into vagina. Climax. Withdraw. But she didn’t know how to make her husband yearn for her in bed. She didn’t know what he liked. She didn’t even know what she liked! They had begun eagerly but after a few weeks, realized that neither of them was truly enjoying having sex with each other.

As I talked more to her, I found out that she had never orgasmed during sex. Not once in the six months she’d been married. She shyly confessed to me that she had been masturbating since high school and was afraid that she had ruined her body doing it. She thought maybe she had conditioned herself to only enjoy self-pleasure.

She couldn’t look me in the eyes as she asked if that was the reason why she couldn’t orgasm with her husband.

And so began my impromptu sex skills workshop. I threw at her all the information I’d gathered over years of marriage. Things I’d learned from experience, tidbits I’d gleaned from friends, tips I’d picked up from magazine articles. One thing here, two things there. All those bits had accumulated into a very healthy and robust sex life between my husband and I. I gave her everything, fervently hoping that it would help her in her marital life.

A month later, I saw her again. This time she had a gigantic smile on her face. “Please, write this down and share it with other Muslim girls. No one teaches this. We’re thrown into marriage and only know the fiqh and the biology.” I wrote down everything I told her on a Word document and emailed it to her. She shared it with her friends who were newly married. They shared it with their friends. Before long, word trickled back to me that people were asking me to write a book on the subject.

So here it is.

Perhaps you’re getting married soon and are apprehensive about sex. Maybe you’ve been married for a few years and your bedroom life has become dull. Or maybe you’re already in a raunchy, fulfilling sexual relationship with your husband and are looking for something extra to spice it up.

This book is for all of you.

As a necessary disclaimer, this book is only for people who intend to use the information in the book for their marriage. I free myself from anyone who uses this book to help them have premarital or extramarital sex. This book is written by a religious, practicing Muslim for other religious, practicing Muslims. I do not agree with the liberal mentality that “sex is just an action” and that consent is the only thing which determines right or wrong. Right and wrong are determined by the Qur’an and Sunnah and any action which contravenes Divine scripture is, by definition, wrong. My book is written to enhance marital joy and pleasure. It is written to make fulfilling marriages and to increase happiness between a husband and his wife. If you use it for something other than that, I leave your punishment to Allah.

I do not claim to be a scholar and refrain from passing any fatawa in this book. However, this book is written for orthodox, practicing Muslims, and so I have purposefully ignored things which are considered unanimously haram. You will not find instructions on how to enjoy anal sex or suggestions to watch pornography with your husband.

The fiqh methodology of this book does not exclusively follow any specific madhab. Where I deemed necessary, I have inserted scholarly rulings from scholars I trust. I have not done this for every single issue in order to avoid making this a fiqh manual. If you are skeptical about the permissibility of anything in this book, you should consult a scholar you trust.

Before I begin the actual book, here are five of the most common myths about Muslims and sex. Beat these myths out of your head before beginning.

Myth 1: A pure Muslim can’t be dirty in bed

I don’t know who started this myth but it is flat out wrong. We have halal and we have haram. Any sexual encounters outside of marriage is haram. Everything inside marriage is halal (other than a tiny number of things which I will mention in the book). You can be pure as snow and still be very dirty in bed. What is amusing (in a sad way) is that many younger Muslims think that the practicing, masjid going, hijab/niqab wearing sisters have dull sex lives and never venture outside of the vanilla. Not true! I have a theory that Muslims are actually kinkier than non-Muslims because we bottle up all that sexual energy and provide only one outlet, that of marriage. Whatever the reason though, I can assure you that some of the same Muslim men and women giving halaqahs and khutbahs and volunteering at the masjid are having very raunchy sex behind closed doors. Being a pure Muslim doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy sex. It means doing all of that only in marriage and not advertising your bedroom secrets to everyone. In the privacy of your bedroom and between you and your spouse, you can enjoy a very, very rollicking sex life.

The famous Andalusian scholar, Ibn Hazm, wrote this:

But I have observed that many men err gravely as to the true meaning of the word “righteousness.” Its correct interpretation is as follows. The “righteous” woman is one who, when duly restrained, restrains herself; when temptations are kept out of her way, she keeps herself under control. The “wicked” woman on the other hand is one who, when duly restrained, does not restrain herself, and when barred from all facilities for committing licence, nevertheless herself contrives by some ruse or other to discover the means of behaving badly. The “righteous” man is he who has no traffic with adulterers, and does not expose himself to sights exciting the passions; who does not raise his eyes to look upon ravishing shapes and forms. The “wicked” man however is he who consorts with depraved people, who allows his gaze to wander freely and stares avidly at beautiful faces, who seeks out harmful spectacles and delights in deadly privacies. The “righteous” man and the “righteous” woman are like a fire that lies hidden within the ashes, and does not burn any who is within range of it unless it be stirred into flame.

Having that fire burn within you isn’t a sign that you’re a bad person.
Lacking that fire isn’t a sign of righteousness. Righteousness is deciding to only stir that fire into a flame within the bounds of marriage.

Myth 2: The only way for a Muslim to learn how to be great in bed is by doing haram things before marriage

This is another myth that many Muslims have fallen for. A Muslim girl once told me that she wanted to marry a non-practicing Muslim man or a convert because he’s likely done zina and thus would be better in bed! This is completely false and it’s terrible that people think like this! I had zero intimate relations before marriage. The first time I kissed a man, it was my husband. My husband was the same. I am the only woman he has ever been physically intimate with and I have no complaints about him in the bedroom. I have non-Muslim friends who were sexually active in college and still came to me for advice because they didn’t know how to have fun in bed. There is no correlation between having sex before marriage and being great in bed. Thinking that doing haram is going to make your halal relationship better is faulty reasoning. The opposite is true. Saving the physical intimacy of sex for only your husband strengthens your bond. This is a man who has announced his relationship to you in public, taken responsibility for shouldering your expenses, and is willing to step up to the plate and be a true father and husband. That man will please you in bed. Not a man who added notches to his bedpost in order to brag to his friends.

Myth 3: Porn is a great educational tool

Statistically, this is a bigger problem for men than women. There’s still a sizeable number of Muslim women who turn to pornography though. Let me tell you in very simple English: Porn is a lie. Real sex is not like pornography. Porn is recorded in order to be entertaining to the viewer.

Positions which look the best are chosen, not ones which are necessarily the most enojyable. It’s not the same as real sex. Real sex is sweaty. Real sex has inevitable farts and queefs. Real sex can get smelly. Real sex consists of men and women with imperfect bodies and a need for foreplay. Real sex comes with emotions. Porn is acting. Women are sexual objects in porn, a vessel for male enjoyment. Women fake their moans, they contort their facial expressions, they pretend to enjoy the most uncomfortable positions. The man supposedly makes them orgasm every single time with just vaginal penetration. And talk about unattainable standards! For men and women (but more for women). Even porn stars don’t look like porn stars. Before a shoot, they have professional makeup artists work on their face. Most have had plastic surgery. None are overweight. The men are all muscular with gigantic penises. They ejaculate more loads than is humanly possible. Don’t get fooled into thinking this is real or that your sex life should resemble a porn video. Research shows that people who watch porn feel worse about the way they look as well as the way their partner looks. In short, porn is one of the worst ways to learn about sex.

Myth 4: Women’s magazines and books written by PhDs are excellent sources of sexual education

Many women stack up on these books before marriage. But guess what? Getting a PhD is simply a matter of spending time in a lab or library. That’s not sex. You might learn some interesting psychology or physiology, but that’s not learning sex. You’re making the same mistake the Muslim girl I mentioned did—thinking that knowing the biology, anatomy, and fiqh of sex means you actually know sex. Those books might make for interesting reading, but they’re not a sex manual. This book is about how to have sex. The nuts and bolts of making your husband thirst for you in bed. It is not an academic publication about the physiology of an orgasm. Knowing how an orgasm occurs in the body is not going to help you achieve an orgasm yourself.

Put another way, who can best train an athlete for the Olympics? A scientist who’s studied muscle development for years in a lab? Or a coach who’s a former athlete and has been involved in the sport for decades?

Myth 5: Religious men lose respect for wives who are dirty in bed

Men love it when their wives are dirty in bed. Why would a man not want his wife to be great in the bedroom? Many Muslim guys worry about the opposite problem—that their wife won’t want to be adventurous in bed. Guys want their wife to be fun in the bedroom. It doesn’t bother them at all. What does bother many men is when they think their wife has done all of this with other guys. Especially pious Muslim men who’ve been chaste before marriage, it really messes with their mind when they think you’ve been unchaste and hid it from them. So if your husband is wondering where you learned all this, show him this book and tell him exactly where you learned it! Every man’s dream wife is modest in public and immodest with him in the bedroom. Make that dream come true! The Basics

I know I said this wasn’t a book about biology but it is important to know some basic facts about what’s going on down there. I’ve kept this section as short as possible, if you want to know more biology, there are plenty of textbooks with that information. If you’re already familiar with the anatomy, you can skip this section as it can be a bit dry.

Female anatomy

A lot of people, even women, refer to the entire female sexual anatomy as “vagina”. This isn’t accurate. What most people call the “vagina” is actually the vulva. This is the outer part of your genitalia. The mons pubis or pubic mound is the fatty tissue over your pubic bone. This fatty tissue serves an important function of acting as a protective cushion during sex. It divides into two folds of skin called the labia majora. Some women refer to this as their “outer vaginal lips”. During sex (or arousal), the labia majora fills with blood and gets bigger. It’s also an erogenous zone, and the feeling you get when touching it is similar to the feeling your husband gets when you touch his scrotum. If you push the labia majora apart, you’ll see a thinner set of lips called the labia minora, or as some women call it, “inner vaginal lips”. They join together at the top and form a “hood” over the clitoris. The clitoral hood is the female equivalent of a man’s foreskin.

The clitoris is a small little bit of tissue which is covered by this hood. It serves only one purpose—sexual pleasure. For those who think that women shouldn’t enjoy sex, this is a sign from Allah. Men do not have any organ solely dedicated to sexual pleasure. The same penis they use for sex is also used for urination. For women though, the clitoris serves no purpose other than sexual pleasure. There are over eight thousand sensory nerve endings in an area the size of a pea.
Finally, the perineum is the area between your anus and your vulva. It too is an erogenous zone and stimulating it can feel pleasurable. The perineum is stretched during childbirth and can often tear, especially if it’s your first child. And that’s just the outside bit of your anatomy!

“Vagina” is the main word we associate with female genitalia. The vagina is actually the opening/canal that goes from your vulva all the way internally to a structure called the cervix. The average depth of a vagina is 3-5 inches when unaroused and 5-8 inches deep when aroused. In terms of pleasure, the first few inches are the most sensitive. Depending on your husband’s length and your depth, as well as the position you two have chosen, you may find the head of his penis hitting your cervix. For some women, this can be painful while for others, it can be pleasurable.

Male anatomy

Men are much more simple down there. You only really need to know two things: he has a penis and he has testicles.

Testicle (aka balls) are the male equivalent of your ovaries. Size can vary quite widely. Anything from grape sized testicles to egg sized testicles is normal. If your husband has pea sized testicles and is very muscular, there’s a high chance his muscle mass is due to anabolic steroids. The main thing to remember about testicles is that they are very tender. This is not a place you should be rough. A sharp tap on a man’s testicle can momentarily cripple him. Keep that in mind when you’re having sex. Another thing to know is that there is no relation between size of his testicles and the amount of semen he produces. A teaspoon amount of semen is about normal for most men. Pornographic actors take supplements to increase the amount they ejaculate for filming (or, through creative camera angles, use corn syrup to give the illusion that they are ejaculating). Don’t go expecting buckets of ejaculation from your husband. That’s a porn fantasy as well.

The other thing down there is his penis. Unlike in a woman’s genitals where there is a distinct sexual organ (the clitoris) and a place to urinate (the urethra), men have only one thing. The same place where urine exits is where semen comes out of.

I’m sure you’re wondering about size. How does your husband stack up against others? Here’s the data: The average length of an erect penis is between 4.5 and 5.75 inches. I did not make a typo. The mean length of an erect penis is 5.17 inches with a standard deviation of 0.65 inches. Look it up. British Journal of Urology did the largest, most systematic review on the subject in 2015. Didn’t I tell you before that porn was not educational? Women who watch porn or read a lot of erotica can end up thinking that the average penis is 7 inches and that anything less than that is small. Less than 7% of men have a penis 7 inches or longer. The 8 inch penises popular in porn make up less than half of one percentage of all men. Odds are, your husband’s penis is between 4 and 6 inches. He’s not abnormal, that’s a normal size for a penis. Another thing about penises is that they can be flaccid or erect. There’s no relation between penis size when flaccid and when erect. Some men go from a 4 inch penis when flaccid to a 5 inch penis when erect. Others go from a 1.5 inch penis when flaccid to a 7 inch penis when flaccid. No relationship at all.

More importantly, most women who are unsatisfied in the bedroom are not unsatisfied because of their partner’s penis size. Satisfaction in bed isn’t related to his penis size (unless it is extremely small or extremely large). Whether your husband has a 4 inch penis or a 7 inch penis, he can still satisfy you in bed. Don’t get disheartened if he’s on the smaller size, he might be a better lover than a man who’s much better endowed. On the flipside, don’t be surprised if you find that you’re not satisfied in bed despite having a husband who is well endowed. As you’ll discover by reading this book, there’s a lot more to enjoying your sex life than your husband’s penis size.

If I were to randomly guess how you feel about your body, I would probably be accurate in guessing that you’re worried about it. Maybe you feel a little bit overweight or maybe you feel a lot overweight. Maybe you feel like you’re too flabby or not toned enough. Maybe you’re ashamed of stretch marks or are worried about cellulite. Maybe you have scars on your body that bother you. Many women feel insecure about their body no matter how they actually look. I can speak forever on body image and unrealistic beauty standards but this isn’t a book about that! I know, without even knowing you, that you’re afraid your husband will not be pleased with your body because you’re flabby/have stretch marks/have cellulite/acne/something else.

Get that out of your head!

Feeling insecure is one of the greatest ways to damage your performance in bed. When you feel insecure, you’re less likely to let loose and have fun. I can’t undo billions of dollars of advertising and social pressure in one page in order to make you feel secure about your body. I will say this however:

Men want to have sex.

Men enjoy sex.

Men enjoy girls who are dirty in bed.

Your husband is a man and therefore, he wants to have sex with you. He chose to marry you. He knew that he was signing on to have sex with you when he made that choice. You might have stretch marks and acne and cellulite but guess what? It doesn’t matter. All women do. The sexiest thing you can do is be confident in yourself. Take ownership of your body and have fun. Your husband wants to see you naked, I guarantee it. Insha’Allah you married for piety and therefore, you will be the only woman in his life. He has no choice but to enjoy you!

Genital hygiene is a crucial part of a healthy sex life. If everything down there is smelly and hairy, the idea of sex becomes repulsive. There’s a wisdom behind pubic hair removal being an obligatory part of Islam. Everything is nicer in bed when you have no hair down there. There’s less odor, it looks nicer and your husband is more likely to go down on you!

At this point in your life, you probably have a routine to keep yourself bald down there. If not, here’s a quick guide to hair removal.

Shaving

In order to do this most effectively, start with a good blade. Buy a good quality razor and good quality blades to go with it. Don’t be stingy! The cheaper the blade and the longer you go before changing it, the greater the chance of razor burn or ingrown hairs. Not fun and not sexy.

Start by letting your skin soak for a while in warm water (i.e. take a warm shower or bath). Exfoliate your skin by using a loofah. You don’t have to go crazy but firmly rub the loofah as you shower to exfoliate the skin. Some women use shaving cream to help soften the hair and skin before shaving. If you want to go natural, you can use baby oil instead of shaving cream.

When you start actually shaving, pull the skin tight so you’re working with a smooth, firm surface. Shave with the grain using as few strokes as possible. Once you’re done shaving with the grain, go over the same area but against the grain this time. Once you’re out of the shower, blot yourself dry and apply some antiseptic to close the pores and kill bacteria. A neat trick I learned is to use odorless deodorant on your pubic area afterwards to prevent razor burn or ingrown hairs. There are also various products you can buy to prevent razor burns or ingrown hair. Every woman is different so do what works best for you!

Other options are to do home waxing, sugaring, or use an epilator. What is not an option, however, is to go to a salon and get a bikini wax. Exposing your awrah is not allowed without a medical necessity and this does not fall under that category.[i]

Smell

People sweat. That’s just a reality. It just so happens that in between your legs is a place where sweat likes to gather. This can sometimes leads to an unpleasant odor. There’s no way to completely eliminate the smell but you can take steps to minimize it. Most obviously, you should be taking a shower every day. General body hygiene goes a long way in taking care of odors. After that, you can combat smell by using scents. After you shower in the morning, take an itr stick and lightly dab a drop where your legs join your torso. Use itr not perfume. The oil base of the itr make it stay there and the heat from your legs will gradually release the smell. You’ll still smell good down there hours later.

For men

Genital hygiene goes both ways. You won’t enjoy sex as much if your
husband does not keep himself groomed and smell free down there as well. Push him to keep himself shaved and clean.

This wouldn’t be a complete sex manual without addressing birth control. Of course, no method is 100% effective (other than abstinence!) but there is a wide difference in how effective the different methods are.

Pulling out (coitus interruptus)

The easiest (and least effective) contraceptive method is pulling out. It’s exactly what it sounds like. You have normal sex but your husband pulls out before ejaculating. It works about 75% of the time, meaning you’ve still got a good chance of getting pregnant. If you want a surefire way of avoiding pregnancy, this is not it.

Condom

The method that’s most commonly thought of when thinking about birth control is the male condom. In addition to birth control, it’s a barrier contraceptive so it helps prevent STD transmission (insha’Allah something you’ll never have to worry about). The best condoms are effective a little over 80% of the time. That’s probably a lot lower than you were expecting! The reason condoms are so common in our society is not because they’re extremely effective for birth control but instead because they’re very effective in blocking STD transmission. This is a huge problem among nonMuslims who have multiple partners (and their partners have multiple partners) so condoms are strongly emphasized. This is less of a concern for a couple with bilateral monogamy and so condoms are probably not the best choice for birth control if you really want to avoid pregnancy.

How to put a condom on is simple but for those who are completely
bewildered, here it is:

Take it out of the package and make sure it’s the right way around. Squeeze the end with your index finger and thumb and place it on the tip of his erect penis. Keeping the tip of the condom squeezes, unroll it down the length of his penis. Make sure there’s some slack at the place you squeezed so that his cum has a place to go.

Pill

The most common type of pill is a combination of estrogen and progestin. These make your mucus thicker to stop sperm from entering your uterus and also stop ovulation so that your eggs don’t leave your ovaries. These are effective 90% of the time for most women. They can also have some side effects like spotting, breast tenderness, headaches, depression, and decreased libido.

Hormonal birth control

These work similar to the pill but aren’t taken orally. You can get an implant (Implanon or Nexplanon) and it’ll last for 3 years. It works 99.5% of the time.

You can also get “the shot”, i.e. Depo-Provera. You have to go get it every three months. It works about 95% of the time but some people experience weight gain with it.

There’s also a patch and a vaginal ring that work in a similar manner.

IUD

These seem to be the most popular. Your doctor inserts it into your vagina and it’s good for at least 5 years. It is 99.8% effective! A lot of women find that it helps decrease period cramps (or eliminates periods altogether).

Sterilization

This isn’t really an option for Muslim women but a tubal ligation will
surgically alter your reproductive system so that you can’t conceive.
Permanent contraception is haram in Islam so this is only an option if a doctor says that childbirth will literally cause you to die.