BDSM stands for
Bondage/Discipline/Dominance/Submission/Sadomasochism. The acronym isn’t really important. 50 Shades of Grey has brought it into the mainstream but many healthy couples were partaking of it before the book gained notoriety. By the way, 50 Shades of Grey is to BDSM what pornography is to sex. If your knowledge of BDSM comes from 50 Shades of Grey, it’s wrong.
That book is a great explanation on how NOT to do BDSM.
Before we talk about BDSM, some basic terminology.
Top is the one who gives sensation
Bottom is the one who receives sensation
Dominant refers to the person who has the power (or takes it).
Submissive refers to the one who doesn’t have the power or who gives it up.
Switch is one who switches between roles.
Sadist is one who enjoys giving pain
Masochist is one who enjoys receiving pain.
These are just terms. In real life, you don’t pick one and play that role. You’ll probably mix and match. Usually, the husband will take the dominant role and the wife the submissive role but switch it up.
Be careful when navigating BDSM. Some of this can be straight up haram (drinking urine??? Cutting the other person???).
BDSM should only be done if you absolutely trust your husband. This is not something to try out the first time you have sex. It is not something to try with a husband who is physically or emotionally abusive. You need to be 100% comfortable with your husband before venturing into BDSM territory.
Safe words are big in BDSM. This should be something other than “stop” or “no” because those words might be part of your roleplay where you’re just pretending to struggle against him. A good safe word to use is red/yellow/green. Think about it like traffic lights. Red means you need to stop. Yellow means you don’t need to stop but he should slow down. Green is to assure him to keep going. If you’re gagged, you should have some alternative to a stop word. This could be holding something in your hand that you drop to indicate you want to stop.
Start slow when you begin exploring BDSM. Very slow. Begin by just trying one thing and just that one. Then add in another. Don’t try too much at once. For example, let’s say you want to try getting blindfolded and getting whipped. Don’t try both together at first. Pick one. Let him spank you with a whip one time. Then, the next time, add in the blindfold. It might not seem like much but BDSM can quickly get overwhelming so take things slowly.
Bondage
In short, bondage is limiting someone’s movement with restraints. You can do this with almost anything. Rope, leather cuffs, chain, bondage tape, even your hijab. Always have EMT shears around if you’re doing bondage.
Bondage is when you tie each other up. Lightweight cuffs are the best for beginners. Fuzzy looking handcuffs look comfortable but leather or neoprene are actually more comfortable. Blindfolds also fall under bondage as well as gags. Silicone ball gags are the best ones to start out with. These are smaller and often labeled as “beginners”.
If you’ve never been tied up, try it. It’s a paradoxically liberating form of sex. You totally give up control and allow your husband to pleasure you.
Make sure that restraints aren’t too tight. You should also avoid using things which can tighten if you struggle. Some people use scarves and ties but this can potentially tighten and cut off circulation. The safest option is to use actual restraints created for sex.
Discipline
Discipline refers to both physical and mental discipline. Among these are spanking (either with a hand or a paddle), flogging, denying the other personaccess to their own body or yours, and playful biting.
Spanking.
Spanking is probably the most common BDSM fantasy that women have. Spanking usually goes hand in hand with talking dirty. Ask your husband if you’ve been a naughty little girl. Whatever his response, say that you need to be punished and that you deserve a hard spanking. When you’re getting spanked (or doing the spanking), aim for fleshy areas. The butt and the backs of your thighs are good ones. Be careful of hitting the back because you can damage kidneys there.
There are a number of positions you can take for spanking. You can have your husband bend you over his knee. You can lay spread out on your stomach. Or you can get down on all fours. He can also incorporate spanking into having sex with you doggy style. To really get comfortable, put a pillow under your stomach. He should be aiming for the fleshiest part of your butt, the area where the cheek meets the thigh. If he wears a wedding band, make sure it’s off his fingers when he spanks you! After a few spanks, he should caress and massage the area he just hit.
Spanking can actually be quite varied. He can spank you with an open palm or by cupping his hand. He can use a paddle (probably not when you first begin), a whip or riding crop, a flogger, or a cane. If you want to really mix it up, consider wearing Ben Wa balls during the spanking session.
Just like with any BDSM activity, have a safe word. Again, don’t use
something like “stop” or “ouch” because those are words you might want to mix in for effect. The red/yellow/green technique for safe words works great here.
After finishing a spanking session, apply some cream or balm to sooth your sore butt! If it’s too sore, consider asking your husband to tone down the strength or length of it next time. Of course, if you don’t enjoy it at all, you don’t have to try it more than once.
Spanking doesn’t always have to have you on the receiving end. If you want to experiment with being dominant, switch it up and you do the spanking. Some men (and women) feel uncomfortable with that. If you don’t like the idea of your husband taking the submissive role in bed occasionally, then that’s fine. However, many women find that they enjoy switching it up and being dominant in bed. It’s definitely something to try, especially if you’re the more submissive type in real life. A lot of people find that their personality in bed is the exact opposite of their personality in real life.